BE A HEALTHY PLAYER.  AVOID PROBLEMS, DISRESPECT AND ABUSE
by Margaret Davis

 
There are basic rules to all scene play.  Know them.  Some are listed on the page www.MsMargaretDavis.com/notonovc.html.  They were collected from meetings, parties, clubs and a variety of people who've been in the community a long time.

Scene activities are forms of adult recreation.  Reckless immaturity is different than fun filled, respectful, noisy bottoming.  Arrogance and bad manners don't make anyone a good top.

Be a healthy player and play only with others who are healthy.  If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

Most scene parties mirror the interests of the people hosting the event.  Introduce yourself and inquire as to what kind of play is acceptable.  If you know the interests of the people in charge most likely you'll know the protocol for the party.

Take your issues to a therapist, not into the scene!  People are there to have fun not solve your problems.  If you're not doing well emotionally don't play.  Be healthy.  Be happy.

Start slow and educate yourself.  Go to educational meetings, read books, magazines, articles and informative web sites.   Talk to other players with your same interests and same orientation.  Be cautious of anyone who would isolate you from information, other players or the right to make your own decisions.

Every scene has some risk.  If you are a novice, top or bottom, at certain activities take the time to know all the safety precautions. People can and do get injured when you're not careful.

Learn to communicate your needs.  Listen to the needs of others.  Look for, seek out and give feedback afterwards.  Nobody can read your mind.  Communicate any way you can but get it out.   No one can work with ambiguity.  Find pictures, talk, listen or write a story, but learn to communicate your needs.  Say please and thank you.

Bad manners do not make you a good top nor are they acceptable if you're a bottom.  Humility is a strength not a weakness.  Play is play and should be kept within the boundaries of you and your partner.  Don't embarrass or annoy others by pulling them into something that's not fun for them.

Not all scenes are about sex or have to end with sex.  If a top tells you that find a new top.

Anybody can make mistakes.  Everyone does.  You should be able to solve problems in a rational,  logical, polite manner.  Repeating the same mistakes is a clue something else is wrong.

Activities in the scene are meant to be fun and pleasurable for both parties.  Rejection happens to everyone. Rejection isn't easy and it occurs as much in the scene as it does anywhere else.  It's okay for people in the scene to say 'no thank you' and hopefully it was said politely.  On the other hand, not everyone hears the word 'no' very well even when it's said with manners.

If a player is a known 'flake' run like the wind and avoid further contact.  (Even if they are cute.)

The scene is a private situation where people bring their most intimate secrets and fantasies.   Respect that.  Getting too casual about something so private isn't appealing for many of the players but especially the women.  You will have more success with the females if you watch your manners and keep the conversation a little formal. (No different than in real life.)  When you're topping be a seductive mystery.  If you're bottoming be polite, fun and respectful.

Some players shoot themselves in the foot with common mistakes:  poor personal hygiene; bad manners; sending mixed messages; over-reacting; freely swatting and touching without notice or invitation; groping hands during what was negotiated as a platonic situation; not listening to what a partner really needs; ignoring safe words; asking someone to play when they don't know your name or anything about you; and forcing a sexual conversation on someone that isn't interested.  The list is endless so brush up on your social skills.  Getting too casual too fast is a recipe for disaster. 

If you're looking for something specific be prepared to travel.

People eventually tire of drama queens, drama kings and chronic complainers.

Make sure the scene is safe, sane and consensual.  If not, it's okay to say 'no'.

Three reasons why things go wrong with a scene:
Ignorance, Arrogance and Alcohol.