Be a Healthy Player:
Avoid Problems, Disrespect and Abuse

by Ms. Margaret Davis

There are basic rules to all scene play. Know them. Some are listed out on the General Scene Protocol page, while some are listed on this page. They were collected from meetings, parties, clubs and a variety of people who have been in the community a long time.

1. Scene activities are forms of adult recreation. Reckless immaturity is different from fun-filled, respectful, noisy bottoming. Arrogance and bad manners don't make anyone a good top.

2. Be a healthy player, and play only with others who are healthy. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

3. Most scene parties mirror the interests of the people hosting the event. Introduce yourself and inquire as to what kind of play is acceptable. If you know the interests of the people in charge, most likely you'll know the protocol for the party.

4. Take your issues to a therapist, not into the scene. People are there to have fun, not solve your problems. If you're not doing well emotionally, don't play. Be healthy. Be happy.

5. Start slow and educate yourself. Go to educational meetings, read books, magazines, articles and informative websites. Talk to other players with your same interests and same orientation. Be cautious of anyone who would isolate you from information, other players or the right to make your own decisions.

6. Every scene has some risk. If you are a novice — top or bottom — at certain activities, take the time to learn all the safety precautions. People can and do get injured when you're not careful.

7. Learn to communicate your needs. Listen to the needs of others. Look for, seek out and give feedback afterwards. Nobody can read your mind. Communicate any way you can but get it out. No one can work with ambiguity. Find pictures, talk, listen or write a story, but learn to communicate your needs.

8. Bad manners do not make you a good top nor are they acceptable if you're a bottom. Humility is a strength not a weakness. Play is play and should be kept within the boundaries of you and your partner. Don't embarrass or annoy others by pulling them into something that's not fun for them. Also, practice basic pleasantries, like saying please and thank you.

9. Not all scenes are about sex or have to end with sex. If a top tells you that, find a new top.

10. Anybody can make mistakes. Everyone does. You should be able to solve problems in a rational, logical, polite manner. Repeating the same mistakes is a clue something else is wrong.

11. Activities in the scene are meant to be fun and pleasurable for both parties. Rejection happens to everyone. Rejection isn't easy and it occurs as much in the scene as it does anywhere else. It's okay for people in the scene to say "no thank you" and hopefully it is said politely. On the other hand, not everyone hears the word "no" very well, even when it's said with manners.

12. If a player is a known "flake," run like the wind and avoid further contact. (Even if s/he is cute.)

13. The scene is a private situation where people bring their most intimate secrets and fantasies. Respect that. Getting too casual about something so private isn't appealing for many of the players but especially the women. You will have more success with the females if you watch your manners and keep the conversation a little formal. (No different than in real life.) When you're topping, be a seductive mystery. If you're bottoming, be polite, fun and respectful.

14. Some players shoot themselves in the foot with common mistakes: poor personal hygiene; bad manners; sending mixed messages; over-reacting; freely swatting and touching without notice or invitation; groping hands during what was negotiated as a platonic situation; not listening to what a partner really needs; ignoring safe words; asking someone to play when s/he doesn't know your name or anything about you; and forcing a sexual conversation on someone who isn't interested. The list is endless, so brush up on your social skills. Getting too casual too fast is a recipe for disaster.

15. If you're looking for something specific, be prepared to travel.

16. People eventually tire of drama queens, drama kings and chronic complainers.

17. Make sure the scene is safe, sane and consensual. If not, it's okay to say 'no'.

18. Three reasons why things go wrong with a scene:
Ignorance, Arrogance and Alcohol.

Ready for the Next Step?

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