D&S:   A D&S scene is a controlled situation.
A:    Abuse is an out-of-control situation.

D&S:   Negotiation occurs before a D/S scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene.
A:   One person determines what will happen.

D&S:   Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties.
A:   No consent is asked for or given.

D&S:   The 'bottom' has a safe word that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons
A:   The person being abused cannot stop what is happening.

D&S:   Everyone involved in the D/S scene is concerned about the needs, desires and limits of the others.
A:   No concern is given to the needs, desires and limits of the abused person.

D&S:  The people in the D/S scene are careful to be sure they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene.
A:   Alcohol and drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.

D&S:   After a D/S scene the people involved feel good.
A:   After an episode of abuse the people involved feel bad.
 

The above is paraphrased from a handout I saw at a meeting of The Eulenspiegel Society.  TES is the oldest S&M society in the country and often I am asked to speak  there on Traditional Adult Spanking and the Rituals of Adult Spanking.  While TES's main focus is on S&M black leather activities it does have a spanking sub group that meets regularly.

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Ms. Margaret's suggestions as to avoiding trouble in the scene:

Go to www.MsMargaretDavis.com/calendar.html

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If you're researching domestic problems it helps if you change the words.
If the word 'violence' is too strong use 'abuse'.  If 'abuse' isn't right try
'disrespect'.  A loving partner respects your needs and cares that you're happy.

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 For information on abuse see web sites listed below

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Empowerment

* I am not the cause of another person's behavior.

* I am a worthwhile person.

* I deserve to be treated with respect.

* I can decide for myself what is best for me.

* I am not alone.  I can ask others to help me.
 

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I have moved around in the Spanking, S&M, and other D&S crowds for years and I have found that the level of communication, and trust that is expected of good players far exceeds anything I have ever seen in the vanilla (or straight) world.  The sharing of, and respect for every person's fantasies is a natural part of the community.  Like all social groups we have our share of braggarts, showoffs, and total idiots.  If you venture into the scene do your homework first.  Read books, talk to experienced players, and be persistent in finding friends who respect your limits and passions.  This is a very private side to your personal life and you have a right to be cautious.  Like anything else,  you are more likely to make intelligent decisions if you are informed and know scene protocol  (Suggested Scene Rules of Protocol) .  Read other pages on my web site to find more information regarding Dominance & Submission as it relates to adult spanking.
-Margaret Davis
 

What's a Man?
by Margaret Davis

** A real man gets in your heart, not in your face.
** A real man takes time to listen.  He values communication and respects the needs of others.
** A real man sets priorities.
** A real man researches all his options, lists his choices and thinks before making a decision.
** A real man never makes decisions when his emotions are not under control.  He would rather wait three days than risk overreacting.
** A real man uses logic, compromise, and negotiation to solve problems.
** A real man chooses his fights and knows the facts before he takes a stand.
** A real man uses motivation rather than intimidation.
** A real man doesn't offer excuses or blame others for his choices.
** A real man knows that not everything in life is a crisis.
** A real man doesn't need to raise his voice or upgrade his personality when company is around.  He is consistent.
** A real man doesn't brag.  Time reveals what matters.
** A real man accepts the challenges of being vulnerable and intimate.  He knows the depth of his maturity and the length of his attention span are the only real measurements that count.
** A real man values good manners.  Humility is a strength not a weakness.
** A real man is clean and guards his health.
** A real man uses humor to enrich rather than ridicule. He can smile.
** A real man uses his strengths and admits his weaknesses.  He can ask for help.
** A real man is honest.  He neither creates delusions nor false hopes.
** A  real man is loyal.  He values the trust people place in him.
 

Copyright 1996-2006 Ms.Margaret Davis